July 13, 2011

Pedestal

Filed under: Poetry — Tags: , , — admin @ 12:24 am

I don’t know you well and I don’t want you to leave.

As I’ve gotten to know you, over six, seven months, I see you lost, trying to find yourself in the beautiful surface of your name. And it’s tough, because when you break from it, it cracks.

And that’s my struggle too. I feel like fragments of a mother stone. I make art, write poems, put them back together again, bits to larger bits, and then walk away from it. Hoping that somehow it’ll move with me. It never does.

I think this is why I find you compelling. You move. You have pieces that fit with mine; I want to build a mosaic with you. A Frankenstein. And then with Frankenstein, there’s hope. And hope is lame. But you give me hope. And what I find from you, is something that is solid with a nervous tic, shaking the water to his own confusion. I feel everything you feel. I feel when you read this, which is why I keep writing.

You possess something so special, it becomes more elusive than solid to you because it is encased, it has a shell within a bed of water. I see it in you. I can open it easier than you can. I can write this way because I can touch you. Your heart is really strong. Everything else doesn’t matter; what I feel for you lacks any kind of surface.

My goodbye isn’t. I would jump as far as I can for you. I would hold onto the emptiness that can never be held. I’ll feel restless.

May 26, 2011

My Name

Filed under: Vernacular — Tags: , — admin @ 10:38 pm

You’ve taken the choices that I didn’t have the courage to take. I was also an internet phenomenon, ten years ago, when I posted pictures of myself on blogs. I had admirers of my boyishness. I was young and was friends with everyone who looked like me. I held a following that I couldn’t hold.

I couldn’t have done what you did. You went so many steps into it. You had a look, an eminence on camera and became very, very successful.

I knew people who became famous and worked really damn hard, like you. I feared being famous for what I felt like – a large, shiny empty shell. I didn’t have the direction, drive and courage to do what a few of my friends did in the early 2000s. I wonder if I did become the internet sensation like you did, where I would be, where wouldn’t I be?

Would I have been in Los Angeles this entire time? And if I did, what would I have become? Did I change to become something the population wanted me to be? Or did I change to become something the population didn’t want me to be – as a reaction? And if I reacted against it, would I react similarly to you?

I took blurry photos because I felt like I dissolved into them. I was a part of them, their movement, their focus. I didn’t know what became of me. I didn’t want to stand still when my experience was always changing. I wrote poems that remarked on how scattered I felt.

I think I would have freaked out even more. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I think I would have gotten as many tattoos as I could. I would fill up my entire arm also as high as possible, to protect myself. I would hide from my name. Tattoo my face to hide me from your desire.

I couldn’t reach where you’ve been. Who you know. Who thinks you’re cute or insane as hell. I couldn’t regulate it. I couldn’t keep it within. I’d freak out!

The whole damn journey I’ve been in, with an art degree after poetry degree after art degree, is to somehow figure out this silence that contains my name, the one that I don’t want to be filled in by someone else.

I hold a resonance with you. You feel familiar to me, yet I hardly know you. What I know of you is what doesn’t exist because no one could talk about it – and this is the familiarity, the resonance, that I feel about myself.

May 13, 2011

The Route Throughout (Version 2)

Filed under: Poetry — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 3:08 pm

It is sometimes more interesting to hear about a project than it is to view it. You click a link, get a jig of poems. I fear this hypertext project is one of those paper trails that I’d explain for an hour to a bunch of undergrads who are forced to be in the room. But hey, it’s interactive! This is version two of The Route Throughout.

http://chrisgirard.com/?pageId=trt.html

April 9, 2011

Water

Filed under: Poetry — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 3:26 am

I hate being the lover that everyone likes for being temporary. The guy who is going to walk away, and is safe to be around. I’m more isolated than anything else. Even when I’m intimate, I appear aloof. I am sort of invisible, text and image, to everyone.

You tried to love me, and I pushed you away. Maybe you loved me because you’re insane. I’m broken too. We see through the cracks of our skeletons, and maybe the attraction is feeding off the familiar scent of blood we smell, at least I smell yours.

I fucking am facing giving up on the only person who I see myself starting a life with because I’m so damn scared of committing to another time bomb.

Why don’t we take an extra week? And meet the following Monday. I promise you, your worst fears are going to be strummed when we meet; I will bring up the past and remember everything. Everything. Or pretend to. It’s going to be romantic and uncomfortable; and we’ll hold each other’s hands through it. We will regret we both exist, and at the same time, miss the fuck out of each other when we leave.

I will spend the whole night in the car with you if I could, wake up with achy necks, with our arms around each other. Our arms will feel a little numb from us cutting off each other’s circulation and we see each other a little more clearly in the morning light than we remember in the dark car before we fell asleep. We remember more of how we felt before we fell asleep. Our hair will be messy, eyes a little puffy. Slightly pale from the cold blue light of morning.

We hear the sound of the sprinklers going off, we are feeling groggy and we look at each other, fearing that it’ll be the last time we’ll ever see each other. How could this work? How will we have our nuclear family yet at the same time retain our autonomy and our pseudo-artistic lifestyles?!

As you say, in a coo, “ya know?”

March 24, 2011

Stormy Weather

Filed under: Vernacular — Tags: , , , — admin @ 11:33 pm

I got the PhD by the neck and a pretty clear idea of where I’ll be in three years. But my ambitions have been too inflated. I have not been able to land even a crappy teaching job until January. I don’t hear back from things I am exceptionally qualified for and have only heard back for a lab monitoring position to teach PHP code, which I know little.

But things are well for me now. I leave to California at the end of next week to help my parents with their new foreclosure mansion in the desert and going to Prague to visit my sister who is learning to teach English in a non-English speaking country.

For the first three months, I sold a ton of my clothing by modeling them on eBay in order to make up for not finding a job. But being poor hasn’t been so stressful, presumably, enough to take up smoking or eaten animal biproducts at least…

You may need an intervention. :) I don’t know. You’ve got a lot of pressure that I wouldn’t deal with well, so I detach and alienate myself and indulge in reading and research. I’ve been going to Spain a lot and Portugal, and have plans to go to Portland, so why not stop in San Francisco? When would be good for you, if this happens? Ask the cards…

March 23, 2011

Birthday Post

Filed under: Poetry — Tags: , — admin @ 1:00 am

I woke up on someone’s couch and was at Disneyland and Koo’s Cafe ten years ago this day. There was a bomb threat at my high school and classes were cancelled, not that I knew that at the time. I felt like I got older on my 18th birthday than I do on now my 28th birthday. I feel nostalgic and nostalgia makes me feel lame.

I don’t feel older. It’s strange, it’s the eve of my birthday here in London, and my birthday reminds me of serendipitous moments that relate to this day. I ate a vegan raspberry chocolate cake and blew out five candles.

I am working on a 100 or 120 page book of photography. I also am working on reviews here.

March 10, 2011

For The Plague

Filed under: Poetry — Tags: — admin @ 1:04 am

Blood reigns thin until I can break the cells
off your bottles
damp yawning hovers over, over
marches until sleep becomes excruciating
to your lymph

So listless
the pad learns to thread water
soldiers sleep
here, your fate is too useless
to hoof, it ever so sight
the sound of life scrubbing, solid veins
one less refugee to preserve
the pins that sew forth his armor flat
the skin it stretches against
his nail gapes, from in front of me
with a finger back on the rack

Ill-roaming, cobweb and antiseptic
no promises from within it
the inside walls are empty, soon
four more wars of the word collide
rulers align so precisely to scale
cuts right at at you

February 4, 2011

If Silence is a Type of Violence

Filed under: Vernacular — Tags: , , , — admin @ 12:59 pm

I wish I could implant some type of chip inside me that has all of my biographical information so people could scan it. Then we continue from some type of established ground. My life is so complex, it’s draining to think about, and prefer to tell it to few people.

I am reading Dialogism (on Bakhtin by Holquist) which has been pretty relevant to me. I particularly liked this passage from Page 36:

“The present is not a static moment, but a mass of different combinations of past and present relations. To say I perceive them as a whole means that I can see them surrounded by their whole lives, within the context of a complete narrative having a beginning that precedes our encounter and an end that follows it.”

Everyone has a history that we see in the present. It’s like a life story that is tagged to the person. I want this history to be shown, attached to my name. I admire this about celebrities.

I don’t really want relate to people anymore but rather have them taste me, take what they will by reading me. Then they can choose if they want to get close to me. I usually don’t get to know people if they don’t have a biographical identity on the internet. The people who have potential to be friends, I already know, by reading about them online. What could take two hours of banter is the equivalent about ten minutes of reading.

As I’m reading Dialogism, I kind of want to wear a historical moment to my present. Have a little official biography presented with my name. If people want to talk to me, they can scan me and see everything there is to know about me that I choose to show. It would make talking to people easier. Maybe it’s the postmodern condition, things moving too fast, etc.

Also – 2011 will be the year I end all codependent relationships and hope that this is the last time I’m ever in such a situation. Four years of trying to help someone with psychiatric/antisocial behavior is like memorizing a broken record, knowing where each pop is, on repeat. The person doesn’t grow and neither do I. The last message, basically him calling me “weak” after me making the point of his antisocial/psychiatric issues; and asserting a power position over the situation then demonizing me.

“Let’s hope you mean it, because that’s the last message I want to hear from you. You are weak, and with that last slap in the face I feel blessed relief from no longer having to put up with your defects, as you’ve apparently been so labored putting up with mine. Because I’m not as much of an asshole as you are I’m not going to dedicate a page to explaining everything that’s wrong with you as you’ve been so gracious to do for me. So, unless you have any other names you’d like to throw at me to prove you know how to act your age when you’re upset, I’d appreciate if this was the last we spoke of this. Prove me wrong by being a big boy and keeping your mouth shut.”

Lesson learned for me, I am relieved.

January 30, 2011

Compilation of UC Santa Cruz Evals

Before I lose access to UCSC’s student site admin due to their changes in logging in, I want to post all of the evaluations left by former faculty members. Out of 11 total reviews, six were good and five were kind of mixed. Six of the reviews address me as “Christoph” three address me as “Christopher” and one addresses me as “Chris” and one doesn’t address me at all.

The title of the course is listed with each quarter and includes the title and the professor’s name. I am marking the positive attributes in blue, neutral attributes in purple, critical attributes in red and positive attributes that appear to be glib* in green.

*glib attributes include very unspecific compliments that could apply to anyone/anything

SPRING 2010

MFA EX PROD
Murray,S.E.

Christoph completed all aspects of DANM 215 with professionalism and competence. His installation was complex but he required little assistance and Christoph showed a strong degree of self-motivation throughout. In regard to the quality of his installation, Lady/Applicant: The Lazarus, it was professional-looking and understated. In the classroom, Christoph was present and forthcoming with all time-sensitive materials related to the exhibition’s execution. In addition, he offered his assistance to other students once his work was in order. Christoph was a pleasure to work with, extremely professional, efficient and conscientious always thinking of how he could streamline the process or make my work lighter and I would gladly recommend him to others for these very reasons.

THESIS RESEARCH
Wilson,R.J.

Chris Girard successfully completed work in poetry and poetics on route to revising and filing his MFA thesis on performative, deconstructive, spectral, and urban material dimensions of Sylvia Plath as poet and influence. He worked in post-voice poetics and digital transformations of voice into sound and image, he worked with focused diligence on an array of persona poetic genres; he responded with care and empathy to a range of works and younger authors, he kept evolving and transforming, and worked extremely well with feeback and critique both from myself and others in the poetry seminar, and all of this was brought to bear in his excellent installation project and thesis.

WINTER 2010

PROJECTED LIGHT
Cuthbert,D.L.

The focus of this class was on the advanced exploration of lighting and projection techniques. This was a small, highly interactive hands-on class. Christoph’s projects were all excellent and timely.

THESIS RESEARCH
Gustafson,I.

During Winter Quarter 2009 Christoph Girard conceived of and produced a course of independent study designed to finalize plans for his MFA installation and to strengthen the written component of his written thesis.

Christoph proposed a syllabus that included a reading list, a production schedule, technical tutorials, and meeting times to discuss issues and concepts relevant to his research area. He always came to our meetings with productive questions and topics for discussion and he met deadlines. He was communicative and accepted my feedback and critique positively and constructively.

At the end of the quarter Christoph had finished his audio project and single channel video. And he was able to clarify his thesis paper, focusing and deepening his research topic. Christoph is an excellent poetand has a particular facility with the written word but struggles a bit under the demanding weight of academic writing, with it’s imperatives for generic structure and linear analysis. For the most part, Christoph was able to conform his writing to the genre of masters thesis.

FALL 2009

COMPUTINGFORSOCIETY
Davis,J.E.

Participated in course as expected.

GENEALOGIES/THEORIES
McPhee,C.L.

Christopher Girard has written a briliant first draft for the MFA thesis. He has an extraordinary intellect, rare to say the least; he is a fluid and natural writer, and responded to all the writing assignments with tremendous depth of insight. It is a privilege to read his contributions to scholarship in contemporary art and narrative poetics.I am confident that he is one of the most gifted artist/writers I will ever have the opportunity to know; his criticality in analysis is matched only by his generative imagination.

SPRING 2009

CRITIQUE
Gonzalez,J.A.

Christoph’s participation in the group critique was productively engaged with the aesthetic qualities of the work, with particular attention to the work’s potential audience. His critiques were quite insightful and pointed. Christoph presented his work three times. The first was a remarkably disturbing and engaging sound cut up of Sylvia Plath’s poems The Applicant and Lady Lazarus retitled Lady Applicant: The Lazarus. Because the voice is uncanny in its strange enunciations, and the poem is transformed into a kind of epitaph in the form of a dirge, the effect is eerie and haunting. It invites those of us who know Plath’s work to ruminate on her early suicide, and for those unfamiliar with the poet the work is still an evocative sound piece. The second was a collaborative sound work that used an algorithm to map a relation between electronic musical tones and cut-up audio poetry. The work indicated a sensitivity to the rhythm of the voice and the mood of the poem. The last work was a series of photographs of domestic interiors, exteriors and street signs that (taken as a group) offered a provocative view of wealth and privilege surrounded by various forms of interdiction (signage forbidding access, prohibiting various behaviors, etc.). Several of the photographs were strong individually, but most worked best as a part of a series. Overall, Christoph produced excellent work this quarter.

WINTER 2009

INTRO PROGRM ARTS
Elsea,P.Q.

This course is an introduction to computer programming for interactive art. The languages covered this year were Processing and Max/MSP, with about equal attention given to details of the languages and algorithms common to art applications. Students were required to demonstrate basic knowledge of both languages or intermediate proficiency in one.

Christopher’s work was primarily focused on the textual and poetic possibilities of the languages presented. Indeed, his Max patch was intended as a textual artifact that incidentally produced art as a side effect of the careful arrangement of objects by name. He seemed indifferent to the showier algorithms presented, but did demonstrate understanding of the basic principles of the languages and a direct and disciplined approach to attaining his goals.

INDEPENDENT STUDY
Young,G.E.

Christoph pursued a fascinating course of study this quarter. Appropriating the use of collage from visual art, Christoph took two poems by Sylvia Plath, “Lady Lazarus” and “The Applicant,” and by shuffling and rearranging the individual words from each poem, he created a lexical anagram of Plath’s work. The six-part poem he fashioned used every word from the original poems, and the influence of this forced determinacy created unexpected and quite marvelous pressures upon the newly reconstituted verse. Christoph worked diligently on the structure of this new poem, and the meticulousness with which he worked the line breaks of his poem was rewarded by a wholly new creature: a poem echoing Plath, but a unique, satisfying and independent utterance. Christoph then used a sophisticated audio program to painstakingly make a bank of individual words spoken by Sylvia Plath. He then stitched them together so that Sylvia Plath “reads” his new poem. What might easily have been a glib, intellectual conceit is, in fact, a monstrously beautiful work that questions the nature of authorship, voice, the primacy of text, and authorial intention. Christoph wedded his skills as a poet, a theoretician, and a technician to create a work of genuine power and resonance. It was a treat to work on this project with him.

FALL 2008

RECMETHODS&APPROACH
Murray,S.E.

Christoph Girard was consistently present and attentive to the course materials. Though he was not among the more vocal of the course, his adeptness with the coursework and commitment to its analysis was evident in his weekly reading responses. Christoph demonstrated exceptional aptitude in terms of the writing. His final paper, “The Poetry of Readership” dealt with the problem of authorship and the advent of readership. It was among the strongest of the papers, most notably for its tone and style. Unlike many of the papers in the course, Christoph’s was able to most effectively meld theory with his own interpretation so as not to subsume his own voice. He completed all aspects of the course in an exemplary manner, including responses, presentation and final paper.

ELECTRONIC/ARTMAKNG
Anderson,E.W.

Christopher regularly attended class and contributed to class discussions and critique. His class projects were good incorporating interesting ideas. The work explored methodologies for integrating electronic technology with the content of the work he envisioned. He worked independently to gain knowledge of the technology necessary to realize his projects. He experimented with technologies and aesthetics in his work. He was always willing to offer feedback in critiques. He incorporated suggestions offered in critique into the development of his projects.

January 25, 2011

A Dream Entry

Filed under: Poetry — Tags: , — admin @ 4:04 pm

I dreamed I had a high school reunion party at my house. Nobody I used to hang out with at high school was even there. It was other people. People who were joiners, jocks and people whose parents lived in large houses near beaches who made music videos about their friends and showed them at their parties.

And lo and behold, you show up with your parents and continue to ignore me and pretend I don’t exist and yet you show up to my house and mingle! You weren’t even in my high school class! Go to your own reunion silent Bob!

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