I wish I could implant some type of chip inside me that has all of my biographical information so people could scan it. Then we continue from some type of established ground. My life is so complex, it’s draining to think about, and prefer to tell it to few people.
I am reading Dialogism (on Bakhtin by Holquist) which has been pretty relevant to me. I particularly liked this passage from Page 36:
“The present is not a static moment, but a mass of different combinations of past and present relations. To say I perceive them as a whole means that I can see them surrounded by their whole lives, within the context of a complete narrative having a beginning that precedes our encounter and an end that follows it.”
Everyone has a history that we see in the present. It’s like a life story that is tagged to the person. I want this history to be shown, attached to my name. I admire this about celebrities.
I don’t really want relate to people anymore but rather have them taste me, take what they will by reading me. Then they can choose if they want to get close to me. I usually don’t get to know people if they don’t have a biographical identity on the internet. The people who have potential to be friends, I already know, by reading about them online. What could take two hours of banter is the equivalent about ten minutes of reading.
As I’m reading Dialogism, I kind of want to wear a historical moment to my present. Have a little official biography presented with my name. If people want to talk to me, they can scan me and see everything there is to know about me that I choose to show. It would make talking to people easier. Maybe it’s the postmodern condition, things moving too fast, etc.
Also – 2011 will be the year I end all codependent relationships and hope that this is the last time I’m ever in such a situation. Four years of trying to help someone with psychiatric/antisocial behavior is like memorizing a broken record, knowing where each pop is, on repeat. The person doesn’t grow and neither do I. The last message, basically him calling me “weak” after me making the point of his antisocial/psychiatric issues; and asserting a power position over the situation then demonizing me.
“Let’s hope you mean it, because that’s the last message I want to hear from you. You are weak, and with that last slap in the face I feel blessed relief from no longer having to put up with your defects, as you’ve apparently been so labored putting up with mine. Because I’m not as much of an asshole as you are I’m not going to dedicate a page to explaining everything that’s wrong with you as you’ve been so gracious to do for me. So, unless you have any other names you’d like to throw at me to prove you know how to act your age when you’re upset, I’d appreciate if this was the last we spoke of this. Prove me wrong by being a big boy and keeping your mouth shut.”
Lesson learned for me, I am relieved.